Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs
on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
flight.
 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked With an S) by maintenance
engineers.
 
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an Accident.
 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
 
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
 
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
 
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.